The Gordian Knot

I feel - as I often do - that an epiphany is at hand, one that has been in the offing for a long time now. I feel sure what I feel is a lie. The carrot at the end of an unerringly long stick. A Gordian knot no sword, no Alexander can resolve. It is all one problem, I know. Life confounds me because I allow it to. There is so much wrong in my head right now... I need ballast, a rudder, and a sail. And wind.

I woke up this one morning, about a week ago, and felt wonderfully, surprisingly rested. It probably had something to do with a most-welcome extra half hour of sleep, and just the right weather (light rain clearing up as the sun rose) outside. I'd dropped off on the sofa the night before, after a rather embarassingly heavy dinner. The room was dark, and distant sounds of other early risers registered in my sleepy head. Dawn peeked through half-shut window blinds, and I was cozy in my comforter while the house was at a pleasant 70 degrees fahrenheit. Ah well, I got up anyway.

I made a cuppa Folger's gourmet coffee, and got busy getting ready to the tune of an iTunes playlist. It was your basic Morning Song mood... So naturally I got to thinking... Oh, you know - about this and that.

A wonderful day; or so I convinced myself... until the inevitable sense of - emptiness? - caught up with me. Which brings my thoughts back to today.

Today I spent most of the day in very empty conversation. Today was a day of witticism and sarcasm bordering on venom, of things celebrated and admired as a way to overcome ennui; a day of a mostly vapid nature. I am not proud of how I have spent this day.

And yet it is no different from any day I spend of late, and no different from any day I can visualize spending in the near or distant future. Maybe this is just my unbelieving mind inventing problems to bother itself in the lack of any immediate stimuli... but whatever it is, I think it is here to stay for some time.

I have reached a point of no return when it comes to thinking, really. I think too much for my somewhat tired blogging habit to keep pace. I think too much to be able to document everything, and I realize how many good, worthwhile things I've thought up - only to forget them as the next whim wipes out all memory of them. I also think too much to actually act on any conclusions, inferences, plans, or other such inconsequential and foolish things. I'm beginning to wonder if an active and rambling mind necessarily implies a tendency toward leading a passive life.

But I have rambled now. Rudder, ballast, sail and wind, I said. Back to that arc then.

(Forgive the discursive nature of this post, and the more than usual incoherence. I write this in the middle of a bout of the sweetest languor and sleep)

Direction. Stability. Ability. Will.

I lack them all right now. And what do I have in their place?

Vaccum. Chaos. Doubt. Lassitude.

A sailor on a ship of air.

When all plans are idle chatter, when all things static are just a blind eye for detail, when all ability is encapsulated in a feeling of utter demotivation, and when all will has been drained, I am left with me.

And that just fucking sucks.

I fluctuate between different kinds of venom... one is sugary, the venom of overabundance. My cup runneth over. Mixed metaphors abound. Language surrounds me, as do people. The other is bitter, the venom of emptiness. I starve for meaning. I am speechless, or spouting inane hurtful humor, and I stand utterly alone.

The temptation to crutches is glaringly in my face. They all beckon, the gods and the fools, the dreams and the despair... and the things I am willing to turn to all run away... or are repelled...

I am beginning to think an epiphany is at hand. I am arriving once more at the junction of paradox that is the center of my own little universe. I am confounded by this Gordian knot.

And yet... that I see it at all is reassuring. That I turn to no crutch makes me proud.

Everything, everyone outside myself seems unreal now. And so I stand alone, in the comforting, sustaining shadow of the knot I must one day undo.

Soon. Never.

Oh good grief I need sleep...